Prepare For The Cyborg Apocalypse
by Red Witch
Summary: Some news disturbs Archer greatly. He in turn disturbs everyone around him greatly when he predictably overreacts.


**Cyborgs took the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. This takes place before Pocket Listing. I saw this on the news and online and I had a mad insane thought. And then a few more mad insane thoughts. How would Archer react to this bit of news? And then it came to me…**

 **Prepare For The Cyborg Apocalypse**

"Another workday, another…" Cyril walked into the breakroom one morning. "Day of doing absolutely **no work**."

"Yeah it's a real ball buster but somehow I'll find the will to go on," Pam snorted as she ate a bear claw.

Lana, Ray, Krieger and Cheryl were also in the breakroom that morning. "It's becoming more of a challenge to look busy and **pretend** to do work than to do actual work," Lana groaned as she read the newspaper.

"I have some extra crosswords if you want," Ray offered.

" **DEAR GOD IT'S MY THIRD WORST NIGHTMARE COME TRUE!"** Archer was heard shouting.

"How about extra earplugs?" Cheryl groaned.

"Is that Archer?" Lana blinked and looked at the clock. "And he's actually **on time** for **work?** "

"For him that's early," Krieger admitted.

" **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"** Archer shouted as he ran into the room waving a newspaper.

"OWW! EARBALLS!" Cheryl covered her ears.

"IT'S STARTING!" Archer shouted. "I KNEW IT! **I KNEW IT!"**

"Oh dear God what **now**?" Cyril groaned.

"Maybe they're no longer selling black turtlenecks?" Ray quipped.

"This is a **real** crisis Ray!" Archer shouted. "Besides they'd never stop selling black turtlenecks! On top of being the staple of any well-dressed man's closet they are a best seller! Jesus! Get your head out of your metal ass! Or whoever's ass you're riding this week!"

"That is true," Cyril said. "They'd never stop selling black turtlenecks. I mean look how many people use them. Spies, mobsters, drug lords, undertakers, people going to a funeral, people going on job interviews, well-dressed lumberjacks, fashionistas…"

"Yeah if it was light pink I could see it but not black," Krieger admitted.

"This is Defcon Five people! No wait…What's higher than five?" Archer blinked. "Forty Seven! This is Defcon **Forty Seven**!"

"Actually the highest is Defcon One," Krieger corrected. "Trust me on this."

"He has caused enough of them to know," Ray quipped.

"Well know this! This is an actual crisis!" Archer shouted. "Our lives are in danger!"

"When are they **not** in danger?" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Why do I even bother with you **idiots?** " Archer shouted. **"Why?"**

"I dunno," Cheryl shrugged. "It's not like we encourage it."

"AGGGH! Forget it! MOTHER! MOTHER!" Archer ran out of the room. "THE CYBORGS ARE COMING! THE CYBORGS ARE COMING!"

"How many pills do you think he took?" Ray asked casually.

"I dunno," Krieger said. "But whatever he's on it's a pretty potent dosage."

"MOTHER! MOTHER!" Archer shouted as he ran into his mother's office. "We need guns! Lots of guns! And a panic room so Skynet can't penetrate it!"

"Sterling…You're **on time**?" Mallory did a double take. "For you this is early!"

"No Mother! It's almost too late!" Archer shouted. "The cyborgs are coming! The cyborgs are coming!"

"Is this another one of your phrasing jokes?" Mallory asked.

"Technically it could be but that's not important right now!" Archer shouted as he slammed the newspaper onto her desk. "We have a global cyborg crisis on our hands!"

"Dear God I thought you were over this stupid phobia," Mallory groaned.

"It is _not_ a stupid phobia Mother!" Archer shouted. "It is a perfectly **valid** phobia! ESPECIALLY WHEN THE TERMINATORS ARE COMING!"

"Sterling we've been **over this** …"Mallory sighed. "It's only a movie franchise. Granted it's not as good as the original but that's no reason to get worked up over…"

"NOT THE MOVIE MOTHER!" Archer kept yelling. "Real cyborgs! Actual real cyborgs are coming and the human race is doomed unless we do something! Preferably with some serious fire power! Do we have any rocket launchers left? Failing that, how long will it take Krieger to make some **actual rockets**?"

"Sterling. Listen to me very carefully," Mallory said cautiously. "What kind of pills did you take and how many?"

"I haven't taken any pills!" Archer protested. "I'm so upset I haven't even had my morning Scotch yet!"

"Darling that's what you said during your college exams and we both know that was a complete and utter lie," Mallory said in a patronizing tone. "Dear God you're not on the Molly are you?"

"No I'm not!" Archer shouted.

"Because we both know you can't handle that," Mallory went on. "Not the way you drink."

"I am perfectly sober!" Archer shouted indignantly.

"Yeah. So am I," Mallory scoffed.

"Mother I'm serious!" Archer snapped.

"This is exactly how you acted when you thought Batman was hiding in your apartment," Mallory reminded him.

"For the last time, it was **not** Batman in my apartment!" Archer shouted. "It was Lex Luthor down the hall! And it did turn out to be him! Well the actor that played him anyway."

"Oh right," Mallory remembered. "I remember now. That's how I met Lyle Talbot. Would have had a date with him if it wasn't for you tacking him screaming for his Kryptonite weapons."

"Mother we're getting off topic here!" Archer shouted.

"Archer what the hell are you so worked up about now?" Lana sighed as she walked in with the rest of the staff.

"He's been screaming about cyborgs and he's on something but he won't tell me what it is," Mallory sighed. "Sterling do you see a rainbow when I move my hand like this?" She moved her right hand.

"Better get the stomach pump ready," Pam quipped. "Again."

"That was a smart purchase," Cyril remarked. "It already paid for itself."

"I am **not** on drugs!" Archer shouted.

"Well maybe you **should be?"** Lana quipped.

"It is a valid suggestion," Ray remarked.

"Oh wait a minute," Krieger held up a paper of his own. "I know why he's acting so crazy."

"I AM NOT ACTING CRAZY!" Archer shouted.

"Yeah you kind of are," Cheryl gave him a look.

"And that's her saying that," Ray pointed at Cheryl.

"Exactly!" Cheryl nodded.

"Will someone please explain to me what's going on?" Mallory snapped.

"Archer's upset because some guy from Spain has become the world's first legally recognized cyborg," Krieger explained. "Lucky stiff."

"You're kidding?" Ray was stunned.

Krieger shook his head. "No. See this man was born with achromatopsia, which is complete color blindness. He and a few friends of his came up with a special antenna implanted in his skull so now not only can he see colors, he can see colors that aren't on the spectrum of human eyes."

"Really?" Lana was surprised.

"Yeah. With this baby he can now see infrared and ultraviolet rays as well as a wide variety of 360 different colors!" Krieger nodded enthusiastically.

"Ultraviolet **and** infrared? That's actually quite impressive," Mallory admitted.

"Impressive? Mother it's **insane!** " Archer shouted.

"No, **you're** actually insane," Cyril gave him a look.

"Don't come crying to me Cyril when the Terminators come knocking at your doorstep!" Archer shouted.

"Archer…" Lana began.

"What am I saying?" Archer realized as he looked at Cyril. "You're such a non-threat he'd be one of the **last** ones the Terminators would go after. They'd go after hamsters and snakes and dogs before you."

"Plus even Terminators need someone to do their taxes," Pam added.

"Oh my God you're right!" Archer realized. "Cyril is so boring he could probably pass with some stray wires glued to tin foil!"

"You realize you're making it more attractive for me to become a cyborg right?" Cyril gave him a look. "If only to freak you out!"

"Just say the word and…" Krieger began.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Archer shouted.

"Why are you so freaked out about this?" Lana asked. "It's just some guy with an antenna!"

"Which will turn into some guy with an antenna **and** some recording bionic laser eyes," Archer snapped. "Then another guy with some cyborg body parts and then _another_ guy with cyborg body parts and the next thing you know there's a whole cyborg drone army marching on Washington DC! It'll be like the Borg only better dressed!"

"The **what**?" Mallory blinked. "Sterling Mallory Archer you are making less sense than usual!"

"You don't get it do you?" Archer was angry. "By giving legal rights to cyborgs it's just the start of a slippery slope to cyborg real estate moguls, cyborg politicians and judges and the next thing you know everyone has to have Big Brother implanted into your brains with a microchip!"

"You do realize how insane you sound right?" Lana gave him a look.

"It's not insanity to want to preserve humanity, Lana!" Archer shouted. "We need to take measures to stop this right now before the cyborgs come crashing down on our doorstep!"

"Uh **hello**?" Ray gave him a look. "Remember **me**? Guy with the bionic legs?"

"You don't count!" Archer waved. "They don't work half the time anyway! I mean it's not like you have any other bionic parts! Like a bionic hand or anything like that!"

"Well what about Katya?" Pam spoke up. "Hell you were gonna marry the bionic bitch!"

"Before she dumped you by cheating on you with Barry," Cyril snorted.

"One, Katya is also different!" Archer shouted.

"Why because her vagina vibrates?" Lana gave him a look.

"Pretty much yeah," Archer shrugged.

"Okay let's back up the crazy train for a minute," Lana sighed. "Archer just because some guy uses an artificial means to be able to see in color doesn't make him a threat."

"Besides there are only like four or five real cyborgs in the world depending on your point of view. And only two of them hate your guts," Cyril spoke up.

"Three out of five," Ray glared at Archer.

"I thought that guy in the paper looked familiar," Archer thought aloud. "I do tend to piss off a lot of people whenever I'm in Europe."

"You piss off people no matter where you are!" Ray glared at him.

"Archer the guy has a prosthetic that helps him see in color!" Krieger snapped. "It's basically little more than a pair of glasses that are permanently attached to him. It's not like he can shoot lasers out of his eyes. Although that would be an interesting upgrade."

"I have to admit the color thing would be kind of…" Ray began. "No! Wait! Forget I said anything! With my luck I'll end up seeing porn channels twenty four hours a day!"

"Now hold on…" Cyril began. "Let's not discount that possibility."

"Yeah I want to hear more about that," Pam admitted.

"Well maybe you should hear **this**?" Archer snapped as he took up the paper on the desk. "This is an actual quote from the world's first official cyborg who will one day be known as the Borg King of the cyborg race!"

"Wouldn't it technically be the Adam of the cyborg race?" Lana asked.

"And I believe the proper term is Borg Queen," Cyril corrected.

"And we already **have** one of those," Mallory pointed at Ray.

"You know…?" Ray snarled.

"This is what he said!" Archer read. "I believe that being a cyborg will be extremely normal in 100 years."

"Then we have plenty of time," Cyril quipped.

"He even founded a god damn political movement called the Cyborg Foundation!" Archer shouted. "Whose mission statement is…wait for it. 'To help humans become cyborgs, to promote the use of cybernetics as part of the human body and to defend cyborg rights'!"

"And this is a problem for you **why?** " Ray gave him a look.

"You know how elitist he is," Krieger shrugged. "Which is stupid because in the future it will probably only the people who can afford to be cyborgs that will become them."

"That actually makes sense," Mallory realized.

"Who knows? Maybe in the future it might end up being a status symbol among the elite?" Cyril suggested.

"That is a very likely possibility," Mallory thought. "And we're already on the ground floor of this groundbreaking new venture."

"WHAT?" Archer shouted.

"Think of the possible financial possibilities," Cyril spoke up.

"I am…" Mallory actually was.

"YOU'D SELL OUT THE HUMAN RACE FOR A COUPLE OF LOUSY BUCKS?" Archer shouted at his mother.

"This actually **surprises** you?" Cheryl snorted. "How many pills did you take?"

"Oh for God's sake Sterling don't be so dramatic!" Mallory waved. "People are already having artificial hip surgery or artificial hearing aids. And even artificial hearts and limbs! Why not take it a step further?"

"Not to mention being able to see in infrared and ultraviolet would be an asset as a spy," Lana added.

"Et tu Judy Judas?" Archer glared at Lana.

"Obviously the technology is only in the beginning stages. I mean…Look at what we have," Mallory sighed as she gave a disdainful look at Ray. "But you can't design a high end luxury Jaguar without making a few Edsels along the way."

"You know…?" Ray's voice went higher.

"Exactly! You can't learn anything without making a few mistakes! No offense Ray," Pam said.

"I'm standing **right here!"** Ray snapped.

"But for _how long_?" Cheryl asked. "That's kind of our point,"

"How can you all so casually think about abandoning the human race and joining the cyborg revolution?" Archer shouted.

"Archer there is no real cyborg revolution," Lana said. "It's just some guy trying to make a statement."

"Unless of course Krieger made some more cyborgs we don't know about," Archer gave Krieger a look.

"What?" Krieger blinked.

"We know you made Conway a cyborg!" Archer pointed at him. "Don't lie about it. Why would you do something like that?"

"He paid me," Krieger said honestly.

"That sounds fair," Mallory shrugged. "How much?"

"Enough to pay off my van's payments," Krieger said.

"Interesting," Mallory thought.

"You're not seriously thinking about him making more cyborgs are you?" Archer shouted. "Or have you **already** been making more behind my back?"

"Uh…" Krieger thought back.

FLASHBACK!

"And that should do it," Krieger finished working on the bionic arm of his patient. "Your new hand is all fixed up Dr. Quinn."

A handsome African American man with a medium sized afro in an orange jumpsuit tested his new arm. "Thanks Krieger. I made the design but I needed help making my new hand for my cyborg body."

"Anything for a colleague," Krieger grinned. "And the twenty five grand you gave me."

"Remember that also covers my friends in the waiting room," Dr. Quinn pointed behind him.

In the room there were several guys heavily bandaged up in orange uniforms and even more guys bandaged up in blue uniforms. Krieger's VGF was sitting behind a desk. A counter number dinged.

"Number Two, you're next!" The hologram said cheerfully.

"What happened to all those guys?" Krieger asked.

"Let's just say where we used to work there were a lot of explosions and leave it at that," Dr. Quinn groaned.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Nope," Krieger lied. "No more cyborgs. Nope. Nope. Nope."

"There **better** not be!" Archer warned. "In fact maybe we'd better destroy your cyborg tech just to make sure!"

"But that's my life's work!" Krieger protested.

"And some of our future profits!" Mallory added.

"Not to mention **my safety** next the next time I have a breakdown!" Ray added.

"Which happens way **too often** ," Cheryl sighed.

"A small sacrifice to make compared to the future of the human race!" Archer shouted.

"You're not sacrificing anything!" Krieger snapped.

"All the better," Archer shrugged.

"Sterling don't make me tranquilize you and shove a bottle of Absinth down your throat so you'll spend the whole day in a drunken stupor," Mallory glared at her son. "Thereby being completely nonproductive and wasting an entire workday."

"And how does that differ from a **regular workday** with him?" Ray quipped.

Mallory thought. "Touché."

Archer backed away. "You're all crazy. I can see it now. I'm the only one who can save the human race!"

"Not again…" Mallory groaned. "Sterling…"

Archer turned around and ran. "HUMANITY FOREVER!"

"Krieger…" Mallory made an annoyed groan.

"Got it!" Krieger opened his lab coat to reveal several tranquilizer guns.

"It's scary how often you carry those around," Cyril said.

"Not half as scary as how often we use them," Ray pointed out.

"You know the drill," Mallory let out a groan. "Just like the Coke-y Monster hunts at the Tunt House. Or one of our New Year's Eve parties."

"This is gonna be sweet being on the **other end** of the tranq gun for a change!" Pam whooped as she grabbed a weapon. "WHOO HOO!" She ran after Archer.

"Be vewwwy, vewwwy quiet," Cyril made his best Elmer Fudd impression as he grabbed a gun with Ray. "We're hunting Archers! Huh, huh, huh, huh…"

"I really need to do better in the friend department," Ray groaned as he followed Cyril out the door.

"YAY!" Cheryl giggled as she grabbed at a tranquilizer gun. Then shot herself in the neck with it. "WHOOO!"

"Damn it Cheryl!" Krieger snapped as Cheryl happily fell to the ground. "Those knock out drugs are expensive!"

Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "Part of this is my fault."

"You're **admitting** to that?" Lana was stunned.

"Of course. I'm the one who forced him into the habit of reading the morning paper and looking for interesting news articles in the first place!" Mallory explained. "Of course this was before the so called newspapers devolved into pamphlets of liberal schlock, horoscopes and glorifying whatever whores posing as movie stars wear."

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Archer was heard screaming, along with several things breaking.

"ALL THE BETTER!" Cyril shouted. The sounds of tranquillizer darts firing were heard. "AAAAHHH!"

"I swear I would have been better off just giving him a comic book," Mallory sighed. "Batman may have been a lot of things but at least he was rich and had a good work ethic. Sterling could have learned a lot from him. But nooooooo! I had to be **practical**!"

"I wish I was more practical when choosing my career," Lana sighed as she and Mallory went to check on the insanity.

They saw the bullpen was a mess. And Archer was on the floor face down with his neck, back and behind covered in darts. "Is this the end of Sterling Archer…?" He warbled before he passed out.

"Got him," Ray said simply. He and Pam were standing over Archer.

"Where's Cyril?" Lana asked.

"Over there," Ray pointed to Cyril who was passed out on the floor. A tranquilizer dart was in his hand. And a few were in his chest.

"The dumb ass shot himself," Pam snorted. "Then Archer tried to use him as a human shield but we managed to outflank him."

"All right. The three of you take Sterling to his office and get the funnel in his top drawer," Mallory ordered. "Pour equal amounts of Absinth and Scotch down his throat before driving him home and dropping him off at his apartment. He'll forget all about this in the morning."

"Just how I wanted to spend my day," Lana groaned as she went with Ray and Pam.

"This is the Lex Luthor incident all over again," Ray groaned as he helped carry Archer away.

"Yeah but this time we don't have to bribe the cops," Pam told him.

"Krieger. I want you to quietly work on your cyborg technology," Mallory said. "I have a feeling that might come in handy in the future."

"Huh. There's a joke in there somewhere but I'm not sure where," Krieger blinked.

"And put some kind of patent or something on your cyborg technology so that no one else can use it or have access to it!" Mallory warned.

"Right I…" Krieger began.

Then Krieger realized that had **already** happened. "Uh oh…" He gulped. "This could be a problem."

"What?" Mallory asked. " **What** could be a problem?"

"Nothing!" Krieger ran off, deciding not to remind Mallory what she said had already happened.

"Now what's gotten into **him**?" Mallory blinked. "All I said was for him to make sure that no one else had access to his cyborg…"

Then it hit Mallory. "Uh oh…" She remembered. "This could be a problem!"

Meanwhile over at the KGB…

"No, it is no problem at all," A Russian scientist told Katya in her office. "Thanks to scanning your bionics as well as combing it with our current cyborg technology we should have a fully functional cyborg army under two years."

"How big will this army be?" Katya asked as her lover Boris poured her some tea with motor oil in it.

"Uh depends on budget," The Russian Scientist shrugged. "If our budget increases by fifteen percent we could have at least four hundred troops."

"And if our budget stays as is?" Katya asked.

"Uh four," The Russian Scientist gulped. "Just four. Five if we cut corners."

"I am not cutting corners on my cyborg army!" Katya snapped. "Who do I look like? Mallory Archer?"

"If I may make a suggestion my leader," Boris said. "What if we make enough cyborgs to take over Communist Party? You know? Turn a few guys in power into cyborgs under your control? Then we not only get enough for budget we can…"

"Take over all of Russia," Katya thought aloud.

"Well I was going to say have that hot tub we wanted put in," Boris corrected. "But da. That would be good too."

"Hmmm, if we just use mind control chips on party leaders it would be more cost effective," The Russian Scientist thought aloud. "Giving us in research department that backyard patio we want."

"We could do both," Boris suggested.

"That might work," The Russian Scientist agreed.

"Yes indeed," Katya smirked as she put her hands together. "Start with mind control chips first then work on cyborg army! Boris! Call my decorator. Might as well renovate this office while we are at it."


End file.
